In any relationship, small moments of connection are the foundation of intimacy, trust, and friendship. Dr. John Gottman refers to these moments as “turning towards”—choosing to engage rather than ignore, connect rather than withdraw. Without realizing it, many couples drift into parallel lives, missing daily opportunities to see, hear, and appreciate each other.
Turning towards doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. It’s often found in the everyday moments—offering a warm glance, responding to a bid for attention, or simply acknowledging each other’s presence with kindness. As I reflect on the past 2o years of my marriage, I can see that it’s these little moments of connection that has made all the difference. They are what has kept the embers burning when our lives have gotten really stressful and busy. They have been a lifeline when we’ve not seen eye to eye and it takes a few days or weeks to resolve a conflict. Even when we are challenged, we have used these bids to stay tethered.
Here are 50 ways to turn towards your partner, categorized into different aspects of life.
Morning Moments
- Greet your partner with a warm “Good morning” and a kiss.
- Bring them coffee or tea in bed.
- Ask about their plans for the day.
- Share a few minutes of quiet morning conversation.
- Compliment something about them before they leave.
During the Day
- Send a thoughtful text just to say you’re thinking of them.
- Share a funny meme or article you know they’d love.
- Check in to see how their day is going.
- Plan a surprise lunch date.
- Offer words of encouragement before a big meeting or event.
Evening Connection
- Greet them warmly when they come home.
- Give a six-second kiss (Gottman’s recommendation for connection).
- Ask about the best part of their day.
- Offer to help with dinner or household chores.
- Watch a favorite show together and cuddle.
Small Acts of Physical Affection
- Hold hands while walking or sitting together.
- Give a spontaneous hug.
- Playfully touch their arm or back as you pass by.
- Massage their shoulders after a long day.
- Kiss them goodnight, even if you’re upset.
Deepening Communication
- Make eye contact when they speak.
- Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings.
- Ask open-ended questions to spark deeper conversations.
- Validate their emotions even if you don’t fully understand them.
- Say “I love you” in a meaningful way.
Sharing Responsibilities with Care
- Do a chore they dislike without being asked.
- Express appreciation for the things they do.
- Cook their favorite meal just because.
- Offer to run an errand to ease their load.
- Collaborate on a project or goal together.
Playfulness & Fun
- Send a flirty message or inside joke.
- Plan a spontaneous date night.
- Try a new activity together, like a cooking class or dancing.
- Have a game night with just the two of you.
- Recreate your first date for fun.
Emotional Support & Presence
- Listen without interrupting or offering solutions.
- Be their biggest cheerleader in tough times.
- Offer a reassuring touch when they’re stressed.
- Help them laugh when they need a mood lift.
- Remind them of their strengths and resilience.
End-of-Day Rituals
- Unplug from devices and talk before bed.
- Read a book aloud together.
- Take a short walk to unwind from the day.
- Reflect on something you appreciated about them that day.
- Hold each other for a few moments in bed.
Seasonal & Special Occasion Gestures
- Celebrate small wins together.
- Write a love note and leave it somewhere unexpected.
- Surprise them with a thoughtful gift.
- Create rituals for holidays or anniversaries.
- Dream and plan your future together.
Making Turning Towards a Habit
The key to strengthening your relationship isn’t in grand gestures, but in these consistent, everyday interactions. The effort isn’t in finding the time—it’s in remembering to do it. When you turn towards each other, you build a relationship rooted in appreciation, fondness, and enduring love.
Which of these ideas will you start incorporating into your relationship today?